A colleague asked me just the other day, about how long it's been since I've gone for Friday prayers. I told him, the last time I went was in Standard 6. He told me, I was already a "murtad". I couldn't deny it.

What I actually thought about it was, what's the point in denying it or accepting it? I started losing faith in secondary school. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't hold on to any account, of being religious from the start. I remember learning how to "sembahyang" at the suprising age of 9. Suprising because every other muslim kid had already knew how to pray at the time.

I was so eager to pray so that I would fit in. In the end, I finally could pray with the my other muslim friends. Then it hit me, what was the point of me learning to pray? Was it just to "click" with my fellow muslim colleagues or was it to show my devotion to god? I knew it was just to fit in. From that moment on, I knew I was born into being an individual not attached to any sort of religion. I didn't feel ashamed of my current state. People would speak of it, and I would just turn a leaf over it.

In secondary school, I was confronted by one of the "ustazahs". She asked me why I wasn't praying during the "Zohor" period. I asked, "Do I have to?" She replied angrily that I should because I was a Muslim. I asked her a 2nd question, "Am I?" She gave me a cold stare and I continued back to my books. It was then, that I knew how unattached I was to being commited to a religion.

Not long after that, I casted off my faith into a black hole, not wanting it back as it would only cause confusion among others. Oh, don't get me wrong, I do believe in God the Almighty, I just don't hold onto any religion of sort, but of course, when people ask me, I just say I'm a Muslim. What I'm really saying is, "I'm sorry, I don't follow any religion."

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate any religion, in fact, I'm very much interested when it comes to studying any sort of religion but I just don't want to be a follower.

Though, I am afraid that it'll disappoint my mum one day that I might convert for love. At that exact moment, when it happens, I would know that I've left everything behind me.

Does anyone understand what I'm talking about?